#77 The Roles we Play

Familiar roles create familiar outcomes.

Relationships often develop around familiar patterns. Over time, we come to know who usually takes charge, who keeps everyone together, who gives way, who speaks up, who smooths things over and who is expected to cope. These positions are rarely agreed or even discussed. They develop through repetition, shaped by circumstances, personality, family history and the responses we receive from one another.

The part we play may once have been useful. Being the capable one might have helped when others were struggling. Keeping the peace may have reduced conflict in a difficult household. Taking responsibility might have brought approval, while staying in the background may have felt safer than attracting attention. What began as a response to a particular situation can gradually become something more fixed, until it seems less like something we do and more like who we are.

Other people can reinforce this without intending to. If we have always organised everything, they may stop thinking about what they could contribute. If we regularly give in, they may begin to expect that disagreements will end in the same way. If we are known as the strong one, people may bring us their difficulties without asking what we are already carrying. The pattern becomes part of the relationship, maintained not only by what others expect from us, but by what we continue to offer.

There can also be something reassuring about familiarity, even when the position no longer works well for us. We know what is expected, how others are likely to respond and what part we are supposed to play. Acting differently introduces uncertainty. The capable person who asks for help, the peacemaker who names their frustration or the accommodating partner who says "no" may unsettle more than the immediate situation. It changes an arrangement that others have come to rely on.

This can explain why change within relationships is not always welcomed, even by people who care about us. They may joke about us being difficult, question why something suddenly matters, or remind us that we have never objected before. Their response does not necessarily mean that the change is wrong. It may mean that the relationship is adjusting to something it has not previously had to accommodate.

Because these roles become so familiar, noticing the part we are playing is often the first challenge. Familiar behaviour rarely seems like a choice. It can feel automatic, expected or simply easier than dealing with what might happen if we respond differently. We may only recognise the pattern through resentment, tiredness or frustration. Those responses can tell us that something which once worked may no longer fit the relationship we now want.

Choice becomes possible when we can separate who we are from the position we have become used to occupying. We do not have to stop being supportive, dependable or considerate, but we can begin to question whether we are choosing those responses or repeating them because the relationship has always worked that way. There may be times when we still decide to take charge, keep the peace or put someone else first. The difference is that these become decisions we choose, rather than obligations.

Acting differently does not guarantee that other people will respond in the way we might like. Established patterns have history, and one change may be followed by several invitations to return to the familiar arrangement. We may feel uncomfortable, selfish or uncertain, particularly when the old position has been closely connected to approval or belonging. Staying aware of what is happening gives us the chance to decide whether to step back into the part we know or continue creating something different.

Relationships do not only reflect who we have been. They can also make room for who we are becoming, but that may require us to stop waiting for others to revise their expectations before we revise our own behaviour. A useful question is not simply, ‘Why do they always expect this from me?’ but also, ‘Am I still playing the part that keeps that expectation in place?’

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