What is compassion and why does it matter?

The literal meaning of compassion is ‘to suffer together’ or ‘suffering with another’. Brené Brown describes it as: “The daily practice of recognising and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering”.

Compassion is quite different from ‘empathy’ which is more about us understanding what someone is experiencing and sharing that understanding with them. Compassion involves a reflection of our own experience to allow us to connect. ‘Pity’ on the other hand is an emotion that distances us from others, is passive, and doesn’t involve helping the person.  Again, ‘sympathy’ does not involve help or action, but rather focuses more on feeling sorry for someone. These descriptors are not intended to be comprehensive or exhaustive, but rather set the foundations for a closer look at compassion, and an evaluation of how compassionate you are with yourself.   

It’s likely that most of us have experienced compassion for others, and in that compassion, acted to support the person in some way. A significant element of compassion is that the people involved see themselves as equals, not a ‘fixer’ and someone else being ‘fixed’.  If you find yourself in a position where you might be trying to ‘fix’ someone, it’s likely that you would benefit from stepping back, notice and observe yourself, and consider whether you’re compassionately connected. Testing what you notice against some of the earlier descriptions of empathy, pity and sympathy might give you some helpful pointers.

You could consider that compassion consists of three foundational elements. The first of these is who I am being. The second involves how I am listening. And the third is how I’m speaking. These three elements are very closely linked and could also be considered as the foundational elements of connection, because to be compassionate, we first need to be connected – to ourselves, and to the other person or people. When these three elements are in harmony, we have the basis for connection and compassion. But if they are not interwoven with courage and vulnerability, then the connection is unlikely to move into compassion.

Who we are being, changes the world around us. If we are being present, open and engaged, it’s likely that we are creating a space into which connection and compassion can emerge. If I’m being ‘right’, if I’m ‘fixing’, if I’m ‘telling’ and so on, the space being created is likely to be very small, and with it, the possibility of connection and compassion evaporates. This requires us to be intentional in the ways we listen and in how we speak.

Listening to our own internal monologues is what often passes for listening. How often have you already decided what you think about something or someone before there’s been any opportunity to listen to them? What filters is your listening passing through? Really listening to someone requires us to lay down what we think we already know, to dial back our ongoing internal monologue, and to tune-in to the other person and what they’re actually saying.

Having a list of answers, advice and top tips is rarely conducive to powerful connection and is likely to destroy any prospect of compassionately engaging with someone. If our speaking is not coming from our listening, then we are just talking – about the same things we often talk about. The words we speak matter - they can breathe life into people, or they can suffocate those around us.

Let’s take this understanding of compassion to consider how compassionate you are with yourself – it can be extremely challenging. Who we are being with ourselves matters. If, for example, we are being critical, judgemental or harsh with ourselves, it’s likely that it’s showing up in our listening. Tune-in to your own thoughts and internal dialogue - what shows up might be very revealing. And if you pay attention to how you speak about yourself to others and what you say privately to yourself, you might notice the absence of self-compassion. Susan David in her book ‘Emotional Agility’ says: “Compassion gives us the freedom to redefine ourselves, as well as the all-important freedom to fail, which contains within it the freedom to take the risks that allow us to be truly creative.”

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