Building instead of dismantling relationships

You’ve probably felt it. The tension that lingers after a disagreement, the distance that creeps in when something important is left unsaid, or the subtle disconnection that builds over time in relationships that once felt effortless. These relationship fractures rarely begin with a single, dramatic event. They’re born in the spaces between conversations - the words we avoid, the feelings we suppress, and the discomforts we sidestep. We may believe that we’re keeping the peace or holding the relationship together by not having uncomfortable conversations, but it’s likely that what’s happening is a slow and painful erosion of connection, belonging and intimacy, and a build-up of resentment.

Central to so many relationship difficulties, whether with partners, family, or friends, lies not in what was said, but in what was never spoken. Why do we avoid these conversations? It possibly feels easier to point outward. To convince yourself that ‘they just don’t get it’ and that ‘they need to change’. But the opportunity to transform a relationship lies in our willingness and courage to create a space for a conversation to happen. When we avoid challenging conversations, we hand over responsibility to circumstances or other people and resign the relationship to inevitable decline. Disengagement or silence brings with it resentment, confusion, misunderstanding and hurt. But when we shift and take responsibility for initiating and engaging in those conversations, we create the possibility of transforming our relationships.

So, what’s the alternative to avoiding these challenging conversations? Connecting powerfully begins when we create a space where someone else can fully show up - as they are, not as we want them to be. This kind of space isn’t about fixing, advising, or steering the conversation toward a particular outcome. It’s about being with another person in a way that invites them to fully express themselves without fear of judgment or expectation. When I let go of needing them to respond a certain way or engage with me in a way that I might prefer, I open the door for authenticity. In that space of openness and acceptance, people often discover things they hadn’t realised they wanted to say. And so often, being heard is enough to create a profound shift in how someone experiences a relationship.

Part of creating a space into which something beyond our own opinions, assertions or judgements can emerge, is letting go of language that tries to place obligations on someone else. Phrases like “what you need to do is” and “you should” can create an environment where the inference is that if they don’t do what you are suggesting, they are somehow wrong or failing. When stress and emotional overwhelm approach, people can become much more susceptible to doing what someone else said they ‘need’ or ‘should’ do. They may also react defensively, and the opportunity to understand one another better can be lost. While there are circumstances when advice may be helpful, it’s not likely to be effective in most discussions. Why? Creating a space for someone to explore something for themself develops our capacity and capability to work through issues and to become better equipped for the future. This is not available when advice or ‘telling’ is present.

It’s tempting to wait for the ‘right moment’ to have these conversations. While being intentional about when is important, you may find that you’re really just putting them off. Avoidance is likely to create more distance in a relationship, less authenticity, and a reduced likelihood of resolving tensions and differences. Ultimately, it can erode the possibility of rewarding and fulfilling connection and belonging.

What conversation have you been avoiding? What might become possible if you chose to have that conversation? When we take responsibility for the conversations we’re not having, we don’t just repair relationships - we create a whole new space for what’s possible between us.

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