Healthy relationships start in the mirror.
For most people, relationships are an important part of our lives. They can bring us comfort, companionship, love, joy, connection, belonging and so much more. When they ‘work’ they can bring unquantifiable benefits to our wellbeing. But when they don’t – and that’s likely to happen much more than we’d care to acknowledge – how often do we stop to consider ‘what’s ‘not working’? When we find ourselves experiencing discomfort, disapproval, disappointment and hurt, it’s very tempting to label the other person as ‘difficult’ and move away from them. In some circumstances, creating distance in challenging relationships can be helpful, and in some cases essential for our wellbeing, and even safety. But what about all those other people we connect with where things just don’t seem to ‘work’ as we’d like them to?
Whether we notice them or not, there are likely to be a range of things that trigger us emotionally, physically and in our thoughts. These can result in reactions and habitual responses that we’re unlikely to be fully aware of, unless we start to get curious about ourselves. They may arise when something didn’t go the way we wanted or expected it to. Our expectations about something in the future might be threatened, or perhaps it’s a reminder of past failures or threats. Whatever the trigger, the behaviour of someone else is unlikely to provide a meaningful explanation of why we react in the way we do in some circumstances. If we really believe that it’s all about someone else, then we become a victim of circumstances beyond our control, and while we may have only limited choice about some aspects of those circumstances, we are very likely to have more choice than we realise.
A very common response to being triggered in circumstances involving someone else, is to blame others, make them wrong and invalidate them. If you really tune-in to what’s going on in those moments, you might notice some kind of reaction or response in your body. It might be a temperature change, shoulders, legs or stomach tightening, or a range of different physical indicators that all is not well. There’s a lot of science supporting the idea that the body ‘keeps the score’. By being more curious and observant about ourselves, we open up different perspectives, insights and ultimately, choices.
How we relate to others affects not only our own life, but the life of the other person, and the families and friends of both. Our impact on the world around us is shaped by things we do – and the things we don’t do. The words we speak and those we don’t. Who we are being in different circumstances has a direct impact on those around us, and an indirect impact on so many more. How much better might our relationships be if we built one another up, and didn’t feel the need to make others wrong or invalidate them? Conflict between people has roots in conflict within.
Consider bringing to mind a person you find ‘difficult’. What do you notice about YOU when you’re around that person, or they act or speak in particular ways? Only by examining the impact on ourselves can we begin to open up access that can point us at why we might respond and react in the way we do. By focusing on ‘me’ rather than ‘them’, we begin to generate more and more insights, and more choices become available to us. And with those choices, comes our growth and our freedom. Transforming relationships isn’t easy. What if we took on that I’m the “difficult person” and take responsibility for me, rather than hoping ‘they’ will change and be how I want them to be. Relationship transformation starts in the mirror.
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